Depression Part 3

 Hurt

Merriam-Webster defines hurt: to inflict physical pain; wound or to cause emotional pain or anguish; to offend.

Emotional pain quite often goes unchecked and disregarded I guess because in many instances it is usually a one-sided affect.  Meaning, so many times when the emotional pain is given to venting the offender is lost to what the offended is going on about because the painful incident was only felt by the offended and the offender is oblivious of it.  Fear of rejection or ridicule causes the offended to supress the offense and it can fester and grow until it precariously erupts. The effects of the eruption sometimes cover a magnitude of innocent bystanders.  It is up to every individual to take responsibility for their own personal wellbeing and wholeness if an offense has happened make the decision to confront it sooner rather than later.  Immediate reaction is not the best response for all instances but if you want resolution, some form of confrontation must take place. 

Confrontation does not have to be an aggressive and loud interlude; it can be a peaceful and mature dialogue interaction between each other.  I remember growing up, at one stage of my life I was very reactive and then there was a time when I would just completely withdraw and try to disconnect myself from the issue completely.  Then for a greater period I was an aggressive confronter, but never on my behalf, it would always be in defence of someone else.  I was able to do for others what I could not do for myself.  (self-worth dilemma?)  Hindsight realisation, I did not value myself enough to fight for me, doing it for someone else somehow in my thinking would give me some type of self-worth.  Messed up right? But that is how a broken and hurting individual thinks and operates.  I am so thankful to God that He did not give up on me.  He pursued me with unconditional love and faithfulness, He validated what I was feeling but He also showed me that I did not have to carry all that baggage of thinking less of myself I was loved unconditionally. Jesus suffered such pain and agony for me so that I will not have to bear it all.

Forgiveness- the act of offering pardon for wrongdoing; remission of sins

Forgiveness plays an important role in the journey to wholeness and wellbeing of any individual dealing with hurt. To be honest it is easier said than done. In my family, we have just experienced one of the worst imaginable events in our lives, my dad was murdered in his home by intruders and being the person that he was, he died defending his family.  In the midst of dealing with his death and trying to make sense of it my mom who has always been the heart of our family is such a great example of grace under fire, strength and love and to top it off forgiveness just pours from her very soul towards the perpetrators of the heinous crime against our family. My father was also a great example in being a peacekeeper and forgiveness, I can remember him always saying, “just say sorry” or “ask pardon” or “leave it”.  It was not that he excused bad behaviour or wrongdoing, but he was all for mending broken fences, forgiving, and moving forward.

I believe it was about two days after my father’s death that my mom gathered the family together for prayer. In sharing her heart, she exhorted on the importance to forgive and not be drawn away into anger through our grief.   She wasn’t saying not to grieve or be angry, but the word of God admonishes, to be angry and sin not (Eph.4:26) but that we as a family our foundation is founded on Godly principles  and if we are to maintain the legacy of her husband, our dad then we must forgive.  I expected that admonition because, I know that my parents always practice what they preach.  I would be dishonest if I were to say that we are all at that place of forgiving, but it is a work in progress.  Personally, I have been angry over this senseless act of violence and I am still working through that but my earnest prayer has been “Father God, help me to not be bitter, prepare my heart so that I may forgive those who took my father away from his family”.  For me it is a daily process, I have envisioned myself extending the hand of forgiveness – who am I to withhold compassion and forgiveness from those individuals who are being held captive by the chains of sin.  God loves them and He sent Jesus to die  for those individuals the same as me and you.  To live without forgiveness, I imagine is total misery and I can honestly say it is not my place to try to exact revenge or spew hate towards them.  What happened was the worst that they could have done to our family, but the blood of Jesus provided a grace to us that is by far greater than all our sins individually and all together. 

Forgiveness

Seventy times Seven

Years ago I thought I had experience the worst hurt ever I felt so devalued  and hurt by an offense that I let it festered into so many different emotions the most devastating was that I found myself harbouring the sin of unforgiveness.   The Holy Spirit took me to Matthew 18. How many times I was unfaithful in my walk with God, I was disobedient, I disregarded His word, even in that instant I saw how merciful He was to me while I was yet in sin-harbouring the sin of forgiveness, Jesus’ death on the cross for me was so real – reality check – who was I to withhold forgiveness or  extend grace to anyone.  In my humanity the memory lingers but the hurt has faded. I overcame the pain and hurt through Jesus Christ – Not by might, not by power but by my Spirit, saith the Lord. Neh 4:6. So when the memory of that offense is inflicted upon me, I forgive again and again and that’s how my wholeness is being knitted. “Seventy times seven” and over again.  This  is what I must do towards my father’s killers.  In my own humanity I do not think that they deserve my forgiveness, but I do not function in my humanity alone because I am a child of God and His Holy Spirit lives within me, and through him I am able to forgive this sin against my family again and again.  For the rest of my life will I be doing this, I do not know but for now this is how my healing takes place by extending grace.   Should I live my life with unforgiveness, the same fate awaits me as those who have done this crime without remorse and repentance which is eternal separation from God.  Life may seem unfair, but God is just and righteous and does all things well. 

I am by no means perfect, nor do I have this all figured out but it is a day by day, process of trusting and releasing all that I am feeling to God, I choose to accept this invitation from Jesus himself,

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

What is it that you are holding onto, what weight are you carrying today?  Your hurt and pain or grief, your disappointments, your anger and bitterness whatever it is are indeed acknowledged (you who are weary and heavy-laden, come) but Jesus came to give you so much more that what you can see and feel now. Being stuck in your misery is not living life at all, just surrender it all to Him today.

I have been trying to complete this final part in my series for months the weekend of my father’s death I made my last attempt and could not, now I understand why…Sovereign Father, You are faithful, You are great and mighty. You know my beginning and my end, the script of my life is Yours to unfold and although the events of May 3^rd came as such a shock to us, You were not unaware of it at all, You were always with us in that moment even with my dad, my mom and my sister.  You held onto my dad as he made his final stand here on this earth, and I can say with confidence that he finished well, thank you Father God for that assurance. I pray all who may be dealing with their own circumstance of life be strengthened and take courage in knowing that You are with us and extends to us Your arms of compassion and comfort and the only requirement is that we lean into your embrace and draw from You all that we need to thrive and survive in this life. Help us to learn true forgiveness and that we would find peace in You.  Thank you for grace and mercy extended to us daily, thank You for loving us all unconditionally, thank You for being a good, good Father to us.  May we all embrace the light of Your son and be a true reflection of Him to those we meet every day of our lives for Your glory. Amen

This concludes the series on Depression, I hope and pray that by sharing some of my story and my process that you have been helped and encouraged.  God can use the worst of our life’s circumstances the same as He can the best of them, but we must surrender them all to Him.  By no means have I mastered all of what I have talked about I am indeed still a work in progress God is still working on me and unfolding some wonderful things in my life while I face even the worst of times.  I am not deterred by any of it because I am not alone, and you should not be either. I encourage you be diligent in seeking God and pursuing his will and purpose for you.  Wholeness is what God desires for us in mind, body, and spirit; while He is the source of all that we need, He has provided other tangible avenues for our wellbeing by way of counsellors and therapists, doctors, friends, pastors etc.  Ask Him for guidance in finding what you need to help you through your process.  According to Dr Tony Evans, ‘Encouragement that calms fear’; “when God is not a factor in your healing process, feeling sorry for yourself and you’re talking to yourself about yourself is a bad combination when you are depressed, depression gets worse when there’s nobody in your life to change your thinking”  and I agree so find someone who you can trust to talk to.  If you are looking for an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on or just a prayer, I am here for you.  Be encouraged the best is yet to come.  I hope you continue to journey with me as I continue to share my heart of what God has placed within.  Upcoming posts to look for are The Lifestyle of set-apartness (Purity), Thy Will be Done and Hannah’s Prayer.

 Love and Blessings

Mauricia

The Lifestye of set-apartness

In the societies of the world today, there is extraordinarily little regard for what the Word of God has to say about daily living.  It is all about self needs, self-love, do what makes you feel good, what gives you the edge as a trendy individual, and fitting into the mold of what everyone else is doing.  Keep reading there is something here for the Christian and the non-Christian.  I believe there is a word for you today.

The ideology of religion and Christianity has been confused and intertwined by the masses to confuse and hide the truth and of course this is foremost on Satan’s agenda to bring confusion into the minds of people and deter them from the truth-God. 

I will not attempt to use the fancy and sometimes confusing theological terminologies (I have nothing against that if it is your cup of tea) but there are times when a matter calls for just being plain and simple. 

Religion - the idea of a greater source or power, God beyond humankind, something which orders the greater scheme of things.  There are those that incorporate and dictate certain disciplines but lack the spiritual connection with the Sovereign God. There are also some religions that involve the worshipping and praying to various gods relative to creation, earth’s elements and in some cases a self or culture selection of a divine human being.  They also indicate that one is in control of one’s own destiny and that one is a god in and of oneself.

Christianity - the obvious difference is Christ the person, with the belief and conviction that He dwells in the hearts of men who accepts Him as their personal Saviour.  His earthly story begins when He came from heaven to earth, born as a baby to the virgin Mary.  The main purpose for coming to earth was to reconcile mankind back to God.  It does not end there but in Christianity there is a hope that we will have eternal life in heaven with God; should we remain on the path of righteousness until death or until He returns.  This brings me to the purpose of this writ the concept of living a life of purity.

I imagine that when Jesus delivered the Sermon  on the Mount/Beatitudes (Matt. 5:1-12, 13-14) it was a really bright and sunny day and having his disciples, along with the crowds that followed him, sitting on a grassy hillside Jesus paused  thinking; this is the perfect time to render a teaching on the moralities of life and Christian living. 

Purity – to be chase; to abstain from immoral sexual conduct,  modes; plain decency, innocent; void of guilt, not given to trickery in any dealings…Matthew 5: 8 states, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God” simply put right? But for further clarification I love how my Thomas Nelson Woman’s Study Bible (a beautiful birthday gift from my family) puts it ‘a lifestyle of set-apartness, including thoughts and actions’.  This speaks to the lifestyle of a Christian“…, Holiness without which no man shall see the Lord.” The Sermon on the Mount is for everyone, but it speaks directly to the expectation of Christian living.  Having a religious perspective would move one to memorise and recite the beatitudes and maybe try to live by most of it, but as a Christian the perspective towards character building and transformation.   Carrying the label of Christianity states that one has accepted Jesus as Saviour with the assurance of the indwelling of God’s Holy Spirit in one’s life.  The Holy Spirit dwells within to give direction and strength and boldness to live this type of life out loud among family, friends, and colleagues alike. Living a life of purity is nothing that can be achieved alone with self-will and discipline but by The Spirit of God who lives within.  So, purity, what does that look like in the life of a Christian?

Purity - A lifestyle of set-apartness, including thoughts and actions -

Lifestyle indicates a day to day function that identifies the individual with a set of morals and character standing that sets you apart from a non-Christian, your convictions and ideas, your interactions with others.  Psalms 24:4:6NIV He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who has not lifted up his soul to falsehood and has not sworn deceitfully. He shall receive a blessing from the God of his salvation. This is the generation of those who seek Him, _ even Jacob.   David in one of his many rhetoric, of the wonder of Sovereign God and feeling his smallness and unworthiness before Him, asks and answers the question, vs 3&4 “who may ascend into the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? When you come to the realisation of the sovereignty of God self-reliance is no longer part of your life’s equation. Self-introspection causes you to question, “who am I?, to think that I could control my destiny and live selfishly after my own worldly desires most of which goes against God’s plan and purpose for my life.  We live in a world that tells us:

1. it is okay to tell a lie if it is for a good reason, meaning if it will benefit the individual's personal agenda;
2. it is okay to see wrong-doing and not do or say anything about it, when it does not affect your personal well-being;
3. nobody is interested in your stand on what is right from wrong;
4. it is nobody's business that I am having an extramarital affair, we are both accountable adults;
5. it is okay to have a sexual relationship with my boyfriend/girlfriend we love each other / we are engaged (we are practically married);
6. we can't control  who we fall in love with, the heart wants what it wants no matter what including homosexual and adulterous relationships;
7. revenge is justifiable and sweet;
8. prey on the weak and despise the less fortunate.
9. It is okay to cheat as long as it does not hurt anyone as along as I come out on top.
10. I did not act on it, I just thought about it.

There are so much more that can be added to this list, but I dare to say that these are all lies from the pit of hell from the voice of the enemy of our souls, Satan. Satan is the father of lies and he will use every opportunity to infiltrate our hearts and our lives to turn us away from Father God.  Of ourselves we are no match against Satan, we cannot resist his evil intents but by the grace of God when we fail, we are brought to a place of forgiveness and wholeness through Jesus Christ.  Purity - A lifestyle of set-apartness, including thoughts and actions is a daily endeavour for a child of God.  Each day God gives us grace for what faces us to overcome the challenges of the day.  We should live our lives with the mind and desire to please God in all that we do, to receive His approval at the end of it all.  Nathan’s reprimand by the Spirit of God to David after his tryst with Bathsheba and the successful plot to kill her husband, was cutting and also healing.  David prayed a prayer that we as Christians should pray daily, we have a tendency to be caught up in self-righteousness, (thank you Sovereign Father for your grace and mercies).

“Create in me a pure heart, O God,

And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me away from Your presence

And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation

And sustain me with a willing spirit.

 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,

And sinners will be converted to You.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,

the God of my salvation;

then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.”

Psalms 51:10-14

Surrendering of our wills, should be a part of our daily exercise in Christian living. God knows the mind and heart of mankind. Surrendering mind, body and spirit to the will of God; who wants only all that is good for his children. He knows our beginning and our end, so when He directs, you’d better believe He knows what He’s doing and yield in obedience.  David continued his prayer in Psalms 51:15-17 to say 

“Ó Lord, open my lips that my mouth may declare Your praise.  

For You delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; 

You are not pleased alone with burnt offering. 

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

 a broken and contrite (repentant) heart, 

O God, You will not despise.”

My fellow Christian Believers, it is possible to live a pure life without reproach in this world, because the Spirit of God dwells within us giving us all that we need for our individual journeys.

If you have been struggling in your walk with God or maybe you’ve  given up because it all seems impossible here is Christ’s personal response to you: “…My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” And I hope that your response to Him would be, “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9  When you are weak and find yourself no match for the enemy’s temptations in the form of peer pressure and influences, circumstances of life, then you will be strong because God’s grace is indeed sufficient.

Maybe, all of the above is why you have been putting off accepting Jesus as your saviour. Satan has be showing you what you will miss out on, and of course he will never show you the the benefits of trusting God. You are loved by God and it is not His will that you perish, He gave His only son to die for you so that you may live. That you would live a life full and free from guilt, and free of the weight of sin...why not give your life to Jesus. Let God take care of those vices that enemy tells you that you can't live without.  Let God lead your heart, so far you've made some really bad choices, but Sovereign God says to you today, "I AM the LORD who heals and delivers, I AM the Restorer, I can make all things new".  Why not give Him your heart today.  His love for you is unending and His mercies are new every morning_"It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." Lamentaions  3:22,23

Prayer: Sovereign God, I give you honour and glory because of who You are, thank You for the gift of your Son, Jesus Christ, and His shed blood for our sins.  Thank you for new mercies every day that brings us into fellowship with You every day of our lives.  Lord that we may live a surrendered life to You daily, being light to those that we encounter on our life’s journey and that by our life living, You would be glorified and mankind would come to know you personally in Jesus’ name. Amen

May the peace of God which passes all understand keep your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus.

 Love and Blessings

Mauricia

God Makes Sense!

What do I mean when I say that God makes sense?  I find this phrase comforting and I have been repeating it to myself particularly during this time of COVID-19 crisis.  It has become my guiding motto for calming, and alleviating my anxieties.

I admit, I have a tendency to worry or it sounds better to say, I get overly concerned at times so I have to make a decidedly daily effort to focus my thoughts and meditate on what the Word of God says about being anxious and how to overcome it.  Believe me friends, it's a struggle and it's a daily effort but I must say that at the end of the day I can reflect and say, "God makes sense".  

God makes sense, because when I begin to wonder about tomorrow He sends me a reminder that, "..even the hairs on your(my) head have been counted! Stop being afraid (or anxious). You are worth more than a bunch of sparrows". Luke 12:7 ISV 

At that time, the sparrow was food for the poor and had little value it did not cost much and it was considered clean so that the Jews would eat it.   Jesus used the analogy of the sparrow to emphasise that He cares about every aspect of our lives. Why wouldn't He, we who are created in His image (Gen.1:27) and for His good pleasure (Rev. 4:11), who He came to die for so that we could be reconciled to the father (2 Cor 5:18)?

 "Five sparrows are sold for two pennies, aren't they? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God." Luke 12:6 ISV

So, I am grateful to God for His Holy Spirit who reminds me daily of my worth to Him and that I have nothing to fear, because He's got me and the rest of the world in His hands and there is no better place to be.

Here's another awesome reminder, "...I'll never forget you!  Look! I've inscribed you on the palms of my hands, and your walls are forever before me."    God knows each of us by name and sees us where we are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

With all the uncertainties looming over our heads, who can have peace and contentment?  My inner voice is saying "oh oh let me answer" 🤭 - you and I can have peace and contentment through Jesus Christ, "...I'm giving you my own peace. I'm not giving it to you as the world gives.  So don't let your hearts be troubled, and don't be afraid."    Yes I can attest to it, I have peace when things are uncertain around me because I trust the Word of God and therein is my faith.  So every day I welcome the presence of God in my life, in my surroundings so that I can experience Him anew - that's my every day expectancy to experience the sensibility of God.  Just surrender all of your fears and anxieties to Jesus, we were not meant to carry such a load.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phil 4:7KJV

Stay safe, Stay in faith, Stay in prayer
and if you haven't done so I implore,  accept Jesus as your personal Saviour today- He loves you.

Love and Blessings
Mauricia
  

Birthday Reflections

I truly believe that God danced the day I was born...

So, as usual during birthday time much reflection is done, and this time is no different.  But I must say my reflection is a bit different this time around –

I was born during Holy week of 1966 on April 7^th Thursday, the day before Good Friday. I always loved the idea of having been born during the Easter time, it has  become one of my favourite holidays and seasonal events. When I was a young girl I would try to imagine what the world would be like this far into the future, what I would be like and what I imagined was, that I would be a very old looking woman or perhaps the world would not even last that long.

Well look at me now not too shabby for 53 going on 54 years, and the world has seen many challenges. There were times when it seem like it would come to an end at the hands of man,  by pandemics, or the environment and that it would collapse on itself however, the world is still intact and many of us are all still here, until such time as our allotment has been exhausted. 

God created this earth for His creation to dwell, to cultivate, and to manage and He has made sure that it will last until he says, the end is here.   

My reflection has taken me to my past and I have seen how God has kept me and blessed me through the years and favoured me beyond my dreams and expectations. Through every sickness, danger, loss, disappointment, pain and uncertainty and I still can’t find a time when I was hopeless, because I came through it all; maybe not with flying colours each time but all the same better for it because God brought me through it all working things out for my good.   I have experienced love and hate. I have experienced fearful and courageous moments. I have experienced joy and sadness  and it has all been melted together helping to form my character and developing me, into me. 

I have had some hard lessons to learn which carried me through life up to this moment and if I stay the course and remain focused they will carry me through into my future. 

I reflect on my present and I see and know that I am blessed beyond measure. I have been favoured by God, not for boasting privileges, but for His glory.  Personally,  as I get older my birthday celebration has always been about celebrating with the people most important to me. Over the years that has been tweaked to include whosoever will accept my invitation to eat cake with me, because I realised that I am not my own.  My life is not my own, my life is an offering to God to do whatever pleases Him and I surrender it to Him daily and hope that at the end of each day I can hear the applause of heaven because He is pleased with me.  My desire is to please God always. 

So, on April 7, 2020  celebrate with me in spirit by sharing the love of God with someone, by extending a little more grace and forgiveness.  Show some love and be creative in doing so during this time of quarantine/isolation.  Anything is possible when God is in it. 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am who and what God says I am. I am called by God and anointed for this season to declare God’s truth and love bringing glory and honour to Him alone. It does not matter if I have a platform or a podium, a title or a brand, but the breath and strength of God empowers and propels me to live every day with purpose, His purpose for me. 

So 54 years later, here I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a mother (in-law), a grandmother, a mentor, a leader but above all, a child of God and I am grateful for the privilege. 

I have been borrowing this Psalm 118:24 as my anthem for a while now and this is my sincere endeavour – “This is the day which the LORD hath made; we (I) will rejoice and be glad in it.”  

It's a beautiful day and I am grateful to God!

Depression Part 2

 "I praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: 

marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." Psalms 139:14  

Self-worth 

You are treading in dangerous territory when you're thin king that your life does not matter and the world would be better off without you.  This type of thinking invites the darkness closer and keeps the light at bay. The realisation is that the light of hope was and is always there, but when fear and lack of self-esteem and hurt and all the negative stuff begin to invade your mentality - hopelessness creeps in and you opt for the less painful and easier route to end it all of that negative emotion.  

While it is good to ask the question of, "Who am I?",  take care to direct it to the right, the true source.  You're having a difficult time identifying you, but take heart God know who you are and is always waiting ready  to rescue you.  Why do we always wait until we are desperate to reach out, to call out for help? because in our humanity, we believe we control our destiny we are fooled into believing that we don't need anyone else's help; that my friend is a lie from the pit of hell, originated by the enemy of our soul- Satan.

Self-worth is defined by dictionary as the ‘sense of one's own value or worth as a person.’ It is our self- worth that makes up our self- esteem. It is our inner beliefs about our worthiness as individuals that influence our daily life choices, our opinions and our personality. Some of the biggest factors that can influence a person’s self-worth is an awareness of their strengths and weaknesses and personal life experiences. We base our ‘worthiness’ on sometimes unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves as well as the expectations placed upon us by others. Many times, the people emotionally closest to us have the greatest impact on our self-esteem. We internalise, as children, the feedback we receive from those we want to please. Whether this feedback is negative or positive, it helps to form a belief in our minds of our own self-worth. When we learn that we can choose to accept or reject the impressions placed upon us by external factors (other’s opinions, expectations and ideas), only then will we begin to see our own worth.

Becoming aware of your strengths, your capabilities and using them will allow you to build your self- worth. Recognising that we cannot control the expectations of others, but trusting that God loves us no matter what, is apart of shaping our inner beliefs. Knowing what God’s word says about you and believing in HIS love for you is essential to establishing a strong sense of WHO YOU ARE!

Know who you are and Whose you are

"...Darkness and light are alike to You. For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;"   

It is so very important to know who you are to be able to survive in today's society.  It is important to teach our children to be self-confident and aware of themselves enough to understand that when someone thinks a way about them, treats them unfairly, or says something negatively about them it does not define who they are.  It is important to teach them that the only opinion that matters is God's and their own.  This is not achieved overnight but it is a continuous process of affirmation, encouragement, love and some honest to goodness hugs. First and fore-most teach them that God loves them unconditionally. They can't earn nor achieve God's love, it is a gift to them no matter what.  Also, reassure them of your love for them.  

Whether you’re struggling with depression or not, self-worth is an issue with many of us.  What I  personally realised is that I had to stop trying to figure out how I can be enough but focus on the fact that God is enough or rather more than enough for me; all of my plights, and dramas, and inconsistencies, and worries, issues with self-esteem etc.;  if I were to make a decided effort to rely on Him to work in and through me  then I had  nothing to worry about.  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13

Self -Sabotage

 From the age of 8 years old until in my twenties I was as thin as a rail (the first version of this said, 'big as a rail') I mentioned that to bring a point across about how bad my self-image was. I always felt ugly and fat and unlovable, I never expected anything good and wonderful for myself, getting married was far-fetched, so I thought, and that was how I lived my life. I would close myself off from possible friendships, schoolgirl crushes and I wouldn’t dare to dream or hope to one day find a meaningful relationship and get married and have a family and live happily ever after. 😊😊 Well of course I eventually found love with a man who loved me for me and treated me like I was a queen.

When you’re in that cycle of self-hate as I was, all you could see looking back at you is a fat and unworthy human being. I saw someone who was lost and hurting.  My family was always forcing me to eat, I remember spending hours at the dinner table after everyone had eaten and left, with the demand to stay put until my plate was clean.  Over the years, I got creative and figured out a way to set my food on the plate to make it seem as if I had eaten most of it.  I was afraid to eat because I did not want to get fat.  As a young adult I ate a lot of junk food but knew how to get rid of it before it would settle. Gross right?  In my thinking, it was working - it really wasn't I was naturally skinny I realised later but, I was starving myself, hurting myself.  On my best days I felt awkward and there were times when I even tried to harm myself because I hated myself.

When you're dealing with low self-esteem, low self-confidence, low self-love issues there is a tendency to sabotage oneself. At first it's instinctively done as a result of being in such a low and depressive state, and then it becomes deliberate because you think you've found the answer to your misery.  Mine was what is known today as Anorexia. (check out this link for more information) When I was growing up, this condition was just gaining attention in trying to put a label on it as an illness.  To quote myself, “Depression does not respect background, race, ethnicity, status or character, it does not respect your beliefs or morals. It presents wherever there is a door of happenstance that is left unattended- exposed to the issues and circumstances of life.  It filters in unsuspectingly especially if you are ignorant to its vices and what feeds it.”    A vice, I had fallen victim to but, thankfully I am no longer a victim of this disease; “I give thanks to You (God) for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.”  Coming to this realisation, the chains of anorexia fell powerless at my feet; there is no other way I can imagine being delivered other than by the power of Jesus Christ.   

Why this Madness?

The greater part of my self-worth vulnerability stemmed from a cruel act that no one should ever have to suffer.  As a young girl I was sexually molested and then again as a young adult I was sexually harassed and molested. Wow! Am I really putting this out there? As we go through life, we look at individuals and make assumptions about who they are and pass judgement on how they live their lives or on their decisions most times cruelly and less times with a little grace. I learned a long time ago to never judge a book by its cover, to consider the reasoning behind a person's actions.  I know all too well that what we experience in our lives dictates how we live it. I kept this secret from my family through my adolescent and teenage years and only revealed the truth first to my husband and then to my mom and eventually my children and siblings. I believe that once I shared this truth with them, they came to a level of understanding the 'why' and 'what' parts of my temperament.  My children I hope then understood why I tried to protect them the way that I did, and how they were raised; and that my siblings understood that I really wasn't crazy 😅 just hurting, and that my mom got a ‘better understanding’ of what had affected the child and teenager I was,  being raised and loved together with her other six children.  At times I know it seemed what she did was never enough or right for me. My husband lovingly embraced me and still loved me unconditionally with all my scars and baggage. My healing had begun.

Healing

When I revealed my ugly secret, there was no judgement just love and understanding. I think I eventually told my mom on a separate occasion who the perpetrators were eventually, initially that was not my objective, but for me it was time to let it go for my own survival. I realised that it didn't change how they loved me but what did change was how I viewed myself from their perspective. I always felt I wasn't good enough and was always trying to prove it somehow. I felt I was always being judged then I came to realise that the judgement was always mine that I projected to anyone who may have tried to get close to me. As the weight of this secret began to lighten, and I allowed the Holy Spirit to His work I began to see myself as God saw me and sees me now. I got my smile back and I walked a bit taller I began to believe that I was worth the effort of being loved. Miracle of all miracles, I began the process of really loving myself (not faking it) and the healing was evident in my interactions and my confidence level and my relationship with God and my family. I accepted that He loved me, I was unique and gifted and called by Him; I have purpose and I intended to live that purpose out step by step, day by day, with the realisation that I was not alone and I would never be. It is one thing to say you believe in God and receive salvation and another to truly accept what He offers us: unconditional love, forgiveness, life and peace and joy and HOPE.

My healing to knowing and understanding my worth as an individual was quite a journey, my process was hard work and a daily commitment to God and myself. Earlier in my marriage I did struggle a bit learning to navigate having a constant companion who was supportive, consistently expressing love and admiration. When our children came along the focus of love and acceptance expanded because it was my responsibility to give them what I craved as a child, they would know that they are loved and cherished every day. I champion my husband and children in all their efforts intentionally. 

Affirmation goes a long way in maintaining a child's well-being emotionally and mentally. Even though as a child, I did not receive this particular attention verbally, I was eventually able to voice how I felt to my family and now I can honestly say that there is now a better understanding of how I tick, and that's okay. I have the support and love of my family who are also my greatest cheerleaders. 

The Journey Continues

My struggle with self-worth, has been a journey process of learning to love myself to see what God sees in me. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God knows my name, my character, He knows my inward parts, He values me, He created me in His own image and calls me His own. He understands my nuances and eccentricities that sets me apart from anyone else, He values me because He gave His only begotten son to come and rescue me from sin and death, and He gives me eternal life and He made a promise to me that He would never leave me alone and that He has gone back to His father to prepare a place for me, and He also intercedes for me to His father, so I am a priority to Him and that feeds my self-worth, and that’s enough for me. I believe what God says of me!

Had I not come to a place of loving me and become comfortable and happy in my own skin inclusive of all my flaws, I would have not been able to receive the affirmations I so desperately craved as a child. If God can love me unconditionally with all my quirks, and hang ups and imperfections, why can't I love myself, I am worth it. We can find a fault with some part of our body that we would change if we could, but hey it is our flaws that help to make us unique, one of a kind. The reality check is, you are who you are if there is something you can change, then do it. I am reminded that God's grace and mercy extended allows me to become better every day, the phrase today is to be a better version of yourself - but I stand to differ, not a better version which signifies it's not the real me; but I try to be a better me, try to be a better you by the grace of God.

I have been applying to my life an advice I have had to reiterate to my son on several occasions, is that we exhaust ourselves trying to perfect every aspect of our lives, instead we should try to live and perform with excellence and perfection is the end result or the reward. When Christ lives within us the spirit of excellence is present it just must be motivated and nurtured. Our intent should always be to serve God with excellence, serve our fellowmen with excellence and continue to press forward; perfection is attainable, but through Jesus Christ. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let us love therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you; however, let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained.” Phil 3:14-16.

It is a daily effort on my part to survive and thrive beyond my fears, seeing and acknowledging my self-worth and living in the light of God's love for me. I was shackled by Fear and the lack of self-worth, I am now delivered and of course the enemy returns again and again to deter me, but I don't carry the weight of it any longer - Jesus is my deliverer.

Here are a few of my favourite things to keep me on track

• Remember to love yourself everyday
• Focus on scriptures that reminds you of who you are to God.
• It’s a process, forgive yourself and
• Extend yourself some grace, (my big sister taught me how to do that)
• Ever so often treat yourself to something special that pleases you
• Try not to take yourself so seriously (I'm still working on this one)
• Laughter is good

Prayer

Abba Father, thank you for loving us unconditionally; thank you for the light of Your salvation that shines in and through us as your children, thank You for joy and peace. Thank You for the healing You've  begun in us, we trust Your word which reminds us that You will bring to completion the work You've begun in each of us for Your glory and our wholeness.  Help us to always be aware of Your presence around us reminding us that we belong to you. In Jesus name Amen!

Who Am I 

Love and Blessings
Mauricia

DEPRESSION Part 1

The Darkness effects

The darkness comes and absorbs all the light, it gradually backs you into a corner, it backs you up against a wall and it can be so dense that you can’t even imagine yourself in a different space, in a different time, where the light shines again.

Breathlessness comes, when the darkness overshadows every waking moment and you feel as if you are suffocating or drowning and you are gasping for air, just a little bit of air to take you into the next moment.

No one who commits suicide really wants to die, it’s the now solution to what they are experiencing, wanting the pain and hurt to end, wanting not to feel the hopelessness, not wanting to be in the deafening silence and or the darkness that seem to draw tighter around you with every trigger of sadness, worthlessness, indignity, fear, inadequacies, disappointment, shame or regret…  

Depression does not respect background, race, ethnicity, status or character, it does not respect your beliefs or morals. It presents wherever there is a door of happenstance that is left unattended- exposed to the issues and circumstances of life.  It filters in unsuspectingly especially if you are ignorant to its vices and what feeds it.   Culturally, depression carries with it, a shame and intolerance because we were taught that ‘life happens’, ‘don’t complain, just suck up whatever is wrong and get on with it’. Thankfully, conversations have begun, and a name and diagnosis has been tagged to the constant darkness and hopelessness felt – Depression.

The word is still being whispered in undertones but nonetheless there are now avenues available to find help and hope for wellness.  What may shock many of you is the above is from the perspective from an individual with a strong Christian (not religious) foundation.  Someone who trusts and believes God is a very present help in trouble times and that His grace is boundless and enough.  What we forget when Christianity factors in is that we never stop being human.  Christianity and humanity must coexist if we are going to survive life, if we are going to live our best lives while navigating through the hurts, stresses, chaos, pain, loss etc.  that life throws at us. It's about surviving and thriving and finding a way to do it successfully.

There are many debilitating factors that opens the door to depression but just to list a few and elaborate a bit on each and who knows where this conversation will take us. 
   

1.  Fear
2. Self-worth
   
3. Hurt
4. Loss
5. Stress

Transparency and honesty are important in trying to reach the affected masses, so bear with me as I continue to share the story of my journey to healing and wholeness. Yes, the foregoing is not from any massive psychological research but from my own personal experiences.  I begin with fear one of my greater nemesis.

1. Fear

Like any human being, self-preservation was an instinct that I developed very early as a child. Whatever my capabilities were at the time, I used it to protect me whether it was by telling a lie, getting into fist fight or by withdrawing and shutting down, that’s what I did to survive.  And as we now know today, yes children do experience depression. I am still not certain were a lot of my fear stemmed from but, they were legitimate to me.   Here is where we make the big mistake oftentimes, validating the feelings being experienced by the individual.  There may not be a reasoning behind it, but the feelings are real and back then those feeling were dismissed as being a nuisance. 

My fears stretched from being in the dark, to being alone, not being good enough, not being loveable, being singled out, strangers (like really?), having my head under water, bugs, dying, thunder and lightning, creepy crawly creatures, and of the unknown- I can list a few more but just to give you an idea. 

I grew up in a very large family inclusive of my extended family, and I guess I know I was loved but this wasn’t something that you heard every day, that’s not how it was done back then.  In a family the consensus was that you were loved and that was that.  In my nuclear family, very early in my life I noticed that I was different from my siblings, I felt things deeper I was more sensitive, whether it was about something good or bad and that frightened me to experience things so deeply and not understand it.  Even though I had a fear about strangers/meeting new people, If I sensed a connection it was easier for me to approach and have a conversation with that individual.  So, the few friends I had, basically sought me out for whatever reason. Again, these are now realisations ‘hindsight is 20/20 vision’ 😉. 

The dangers of fear are that they can be socially crippling, and emotionally and mentally debilitating.  Because of the many fears I had, I always shrunk away from things that would place the spotlight on me.  I did not want to be seen as a freak; I was not going to intentionally put myself out there to be ridiculed because of my fear.  I remember in elementary school we went on a field trip on a glass bottom boat, I could not enjoy the experience because I was afraid of being underwater and of close spaces.  No one knew this because I hid it and stayed on deck or wherever was not below – I had tucked away the memory of that experience. I was never a fan of amusement parks for the mere fact that you would be expected to go on the rides and yes, I was afraid of being up too high.  I think I was always fighting to keep control of my immediate surroundings and how I navigated through it.

There is no fear in love

‘There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment.  He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

I accepted Jesus as my personal Saviour at an early age, but I still had not really grasped the depth of God’s love for me. Throughout my Christian journey I have dealt with underlying fearful anxieties. It does not mean that my salvation was not complete but just that my process to wholeness has been my life lesson and my journey continues today.   But I now have a better understanding of God’s love for me. As my relationship with God grew intimately through prayer and meditation, meditating on His word and learning to truly trust Him, I have been able to relinquish my fears and have joy.  No, I am not 100% fearless my journey continues as I face new challenges and life realities, but I understand and I do not walk alone and that because Christ lives in me, His Spirit crushes fear and replaces it with peace and love and contentment.  I have not yet attained but I press forward because “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Tim 1:7

Prayer:
Abba, Father, thank you for loving us unconditionally and by sending your son Jesus to redeem us from the sin and bring us back into fellowship with you.  Thank you for each reader today, I ask that you meet them at their place of need and desperation and bring wholeness and deliverance to them, may we all find peace and be an example of your love and today and always. In Jesus precious name Amen.

I invite you to join this conversation or if you would like to conversated outside of this posting, feel free to drop me an email, I would be happy to hear from you.  We are all on a journey and a story to tell, what's yours?  Util next time - Part 2 will continue on this topic of depression.

Love and Blessings 
Mauricia

Awake to Great Expectations

Thanks to those of you who have taken a few minutes to read what I have written and it is my prayer that the words that I share from my heart reaches yours.  I have not yet decided how often I will post but I promise to share with you whatever and whenever the prompting is.  I have been learning to move without hesitation; it’s a struggle but don’t we all have those? 

So, as I meditated a bit more on great expectations my reflections took me down another relevant path of the great expectations experience.  I awoke with this thought, “Awake with your heart full of expectations”  You have to begin your day with the mindset which will generate an attitude of expectation and that attitude will boost and motivate your actions; and you have no choice but to expect either a great or greater outcome than before or something new and different.  Life is full of good surprises, and too many times we lean towards the negativity.  It is  time to sow some positive energy into the atmosphere; even when things seem to be going wrong we have to learn to ‘accentuate the positive’ ~ then I remembered this song uhmm ...

"Accentuate The Positive"

You've got to accentuate the positive

eliminate the negative

Latch on to the affirmative

But don't mess with mister in between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum

Bring gloom down to the minimum

have faith, a pandemonium

Libel to walk up on the scene

To illustrate my last remark

Jonah in the Whale, Noah in the ark

What did they do just when everything looked so dark 

They said we better, Accentuate the positive, 

Eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative

But don’t mess with mister in between

 Sam Cooke Lyrics,  from the Album:Encore 1958

I totally agree, better yet when you have  an affirming word like Jeremiah 29:11 KJV For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.; you just gotta be positive.  Trust that in His hands all is well, so you can afford to expect that some good is going to happen no matter how minute it may seem, It’s all good. :-) 

So, yeah, Awake with your heart full of expectations and expect that your day will be a good one; expect that whatever happens in your day, you won’t be alone in it; expect that you will do something worthwhile today and most of all; Expect to encounter God even in the miniscule, unintended events of the day. You might not have planned for some stuff but know that God is always up to something.  We’ve missed so many of those encounters because we’ve been so closed off from God and so our experiences have been limited or nonexistent.  And we end our days feeling unaccomplished, like a complete failure or dissatisfied.  

Have you ever, at the end of your day wondered, “why do I feel so miserable? My day was not so bad but something seems to be missing.   Do a reflection of your day and allow God’s Holy Spirit to show you where the missed opportunities were, where you could have extended yourself, but you chose to be selfish in an instance, see where, when you felt the nudging to turn the television set off and spend some quiet time with God but you ignored it; or maybe you missed an opportunity to encourage a friend or to say hello to a stranger, or to hug your children or your spouse, or say I love you.  Missed moment are irreplaceable, but God gives us a second chance each time we open our eyes to a new day.

When expectations are set, you get excited about each day. Someone said, “if you don't have expectations, you don’t get disappointed”, how sad is it to live a life without any kind of expectations. It’s like living without hope, nothing to look forward to.  Life is full of pitfalls, and disappointments, but having expectations says that when I am disappointed, someone will be there to cheer me up or better yet God is always with  me surrounding me with His presence and giving me grace for my journey.  When things don’t go the way I expected, I have that assurance that He is working things out for my good. Romans 8:28 

I hope and pray that you have that ultimate encounter, salvation with Jesus this year 2020 so that you may experience the joy and fulfillment that comes from knowing Him.  I expect that God will guide me every day, if I let Him by surrendering my life to Him every day I am given. 

Prayer:  heavenly Father, I thank You for the love and care that You have for us, and that we are reminded each day of that love, because Your Word tells us that Your mercies are new to us every morning and that Your love is unfailing and unconditional.  I pray for my readers that their faith and trust would be renewed and strengthened in You and that they would have the greatest experience of being in Your presence today. In Jesus name Amen

Thank you for taking this journey with me. Love and Blessings - Mauricia