The Darkness effects
The darkness comes and absorbs all the
light, it gradually backs you into a corner, it backs you up against a wall and
it can be so dense that you can’t even imagine yourself in a different space,
in a different time, where the light shines again.
Breathlessness comes, when the darkness
overshadows every waking moment and you feel as if you are suffocating or
drowning and you are gasping for air, just a little bit of air to take you into
the next moment.
No one who commits suicide really wants to die, it’s the now solution to what they are
experiencing, wanting the pain and hurt to end, wanting not to feel the
hopelessness, not wanting to be in the deafening silence and or the darkness
that seem to draw tighter around you with every trigger of sadness,
worthlessness, indignity, fear, inadequacies, disappointment, shame or regret…
Depression does not respect background, race, ethnicity, status or character, it does not respect your
beliefs or morals. It presents wherever there is a door of happenstance that is
left unattended- exposed to the issues and circumstances of life. It filters in unsuspectingly especially if
you are ignorant to its vices and what feeds it. Culturally, depression carries with it,
a shame and intolerance because we were taught that ‘life happens’, ‘don’t
complain, just suck up whatever is wrong and get on with it’. Thankfully,
conversations have begun, and a name and diagnosis has been tagged to the
constant darkness and hopelessness felt – Depression.
The word is still being whispered in
undertones but nonetheless there are now avenues available to find help and
hope for wellness. What may shock many of you is the above
is from the perspective from an individual with a strong Christian (not
religious) foundation. Someone who
trusts and believes God is a very present help in trouble times and that His
grace is boundless and enough. What we
forget when Christianity factors in is that we never stop being human. Christianity and humanity must coexist if we
are going to survive life, if we are going to live our best lives while
navigating through the hurts, stresses, chaos, pain, loss etc. that life throws at us. It's about surviving and thriving and finding a way to do it successfully.
There are many debilitating factors that
opens the door to depression but just to list a few and elaborate a bit on each
and who knows where this conversation will take us.
- Fear
- Self-worth
- Hurt
- Loss
- Stress
Transparency and honesty are important
in trying to reach the affected masses, so bear with me as I continue to share
the story of my journey to healing and wholeness. Yes, the foregoing is not
from any massive psychological research but from my own personal
experiences. I begin with fear
one of my greater nemesis.
Fear
Like any human being, self-preservation
was an instinct that I developed very early as a child. Whatever my
capabilities were at the time, I used it to protect me whether it was by
telling a lie, getting into fist fight or by withdrawing and shutting down,
that’s what I did to survive. And as we
now know today, yes children do experience depression. I am still not certain
were a lot of my fear stemmed from but, they were legitimate to me. Here is where we make the big mistake
oftentimes, validating the feelings being experienced by the individual. There may not be a reasoning behind it, but
the feelings are real and back then those feeling were dismissed as being a
nuisance.
My fears stretched from being in the
dark, to being alone, not being good enough, not being loveable, being singled
out, strangers (like really?), having my head under water, bugs, dying, thunder
and lightning, creepy crawly creatures, and of the unknown- I can list a few
more but just to give you an idea.
I grew up in a very large
family inclusive of my extended family, and I guess I know I was loved but this
wasn’t something that you heard every day, that’s not how it was done back
then. In a family the consensus was that
you were loved and that was that. In my
nuclear family, very early in my life I noticed that I was different from my
siblings, I felt things deeper I was more sensitive, whether it was about
something good or bad and that frightened me to experience things so deeply and
not understand it. Even though I had a
fear about strangers/meeting new people, If I sensed a connection it was easier
for me to approach and have a conversation with that individual. So, the few friends I had, basically sought
me out for whatever reason. Again, these are now realisations ‘hindsight is
20/20 vision’ 😉.
The dangers of fear are that
they can be socially crippling, and emotionally and mentally debilitating. Because of the many fears I had, I always
shrunk away from things that would place the spotlight on me. I did not want to be seen as a freak; I was
not going to intentionally put myself out there to be ridiculed because of my
fear. I remember in elementary school we
went on a field trip on a glass bottom boat, I could not enjoy the experience
because I was afraid of being underwater and of close spaces. No one knew this because I hid it and stayed on
deck or wherever was not below – I had tucked away the memory of that
experience. I was never a fan of amusement parks for the mere fact that you
would be expected to go on the rides and yes, I was afraid of being up too high.
I think I was always fighting to keep
control of my immediate surroundings and how I navigated through it.
There is no fear in love
‘There is no
fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath
torment. He that feareth is not made
perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18
I accepted Jesus
as my personal Saviour at an early age, but I still had not really grasped the
depth of God’s love for me. Throughout my Christian journey I have dealt with
underlying fearful anxieties. It does not mean that my salvation was not
complete but just that my process to wholeness has been my life lesson and my
journey continues today. But I now have
a better understanding of God’s love for me. As my relationship with God grew
intimately through prayer and meditation, meditating on His word and learning
to truly trust Him, I have been able to relinquish my fears and have joy. No, I am not 100% fearless my journey
continues as I face new challenges and life realities, but I understand and I
do not walk alone and that because Christ lives in me, His Spirit crushes fear
and replaces it with peace and love and contentment. I have not yet attained but I press forward because
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love,
and of a sound mind.” 2 Tim 1:7
Prayer:
Abba, Father, thank you for loving us unconditionally and by sending your son Jesus to redeem us from the sin and bring us back into fellowship with you. Thank you for each reader today, I ask that you meet them at their place of need and desperation and bring wholeness and deliverance to them, may we all find peace and be an example of your love and today and always. In Jesus precious name Amen.
I invite you to join this conversation or if you would like to conversated outside of this posting, feel free to drop me an email, I would be happy to hear from you. We are all on a journey and a story to tell, what's yours? Util next time - Part 2 will continue on this topic of depression.
Love and Blessings
Mauricia
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