Letting Go

 Letting go has always been an issue for me no matter what that was.

Letting go somehow represented the end of things for me, it represented dismissal. I realised that letting go took away any control I may have over a situation surrounding my life and that did not sit well with me. 

I have held on to things not grudgingly but as validation that something happened, my way of acknowledging it happened particularly if I felt it was overlooked, dismissed, or disregarded as important.

I’ve held on to hurts and disappointments because it helped me to feel, I didn’t want to feel numb and invisible- those feelings reminded me that I was alive, because there were times when I wished I was not or that I never existed.  I have always felt things deeply, emotionally and at times it would seem as if I would be consumed by it so I would figure out how to rein it in and control it.

I have experienced grief in many different forms, and in each of those instances I’ve held onto it controlling it and not wanting to let go of it because I felt if I did I would forget, or that what I was grieving the experiences of  what I had lost would be gone forever.  I have grieved the loss of close friends, relatives and what may seem neurotic to you, parts of my life.  I have held on to it all because I did not want to lose the memories, the experiences I have had with those individuals or those life moments.

Realisations

•  I realise for a long time I was grieving the loss of my career life, even  though the decision to leave the secular work (9 to 5) was  a personal conscious and convicted decision, I was grieving the loss of what that entailed.  I loved the work I did, I loved knowing that each day what awaited me were challenges I took joy in figuring out, I loved problem shooting and problem solving, I loved sharing that knowledge with my colleagues and the daily interactions.
•   I realised that I was grieving the loss of my youth, I was excited when I turned 40yrs old, but then I began to reflect and wondered what the next half of my life would be like and I couldn’t see anything worthwhile so I tried to hold on to what I had already experienced.  Even though I’ve gotten beyond that point in my life and enjoying being 50 plus it was quite a journey getting here and learning many things about myself along the way and growing in such a way I could never imagined.  I would have never found and loved 50 plus me if I had not learned to let go and live.
• I realise that I was grieving the fact that I no longer had adolescent children, they were grown and independent and found that instead of cutting the apron strings, I was only extending them on each of my beautiful children.  Bless their hearts they have been patient with me and given me time to get to that place of gradually cutting those strings at my own pace.  I am enjoying a wonderful adult relationship with each of them.  Imagine what I would have been missing out on if I had not learned to let go.  I am still a work in progress.
• I realised that I have been grieving the loss of a few friendships, but eventually relinquished the idea of those friendships and held on to the season’s blessings they were in my life. Room was made for greater.
•   I realised that I was grieving the loss of my freedom, yep my freedom. This was a recent occurrence when I lost about 80% of the vision in one of my eyes including peripheral and I was dealing with an illness that practically took away all my independence.  I could not drive, and I had to limit my exposure to regular daily normal life interactions, and it frightened me. With some adjustments to create my new normal of functioning and navigating through it all I am regaining some independence. I realised that all was and is not lost.
•  I have lost some incredibly special people in my life, a few, some time ago and a few most recently and the reality of those losses carried such a weight that at times it just seems as if I would go under and stay under.  I tried to control my grieving process because I felt it, I could not bear the thought of living life without each of them.  I held on to my grief because I felt if I did, I was not ready to accept the reality of them really being gone. I Thought if I didn't hold on to the grief that I would forget them and I was not ready for that.  I tortured myself with what could have and what should have happened. 

The turning point for me really and strangely was the death of my dad.  Losing my dad was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life and do not wish it on anyone, but such is life.  Losing dad was so indescribable, I realise I could not do it alone, it was surely beyond me and I needed help. I could not hold on to the grief or it would destroy me.  I found such a deliverance through this process of grieving for my dad.  A lot of hidden stuff began to surface that could not be ignored, I had to face them once and for all.  For the first time I reached out to some important people in my life, I opened a door that some of them had never been allowed to walk through,  I remember one of them saying to me – “it is time for you to let folks be there for you, the way you’ve always been there for them, let me be to you what you’ve been to me” they were saying lean on me, I am here for you.  I found a greater bond with some amazing sisters and sister-friends, even brother-friends.

I heard the words let it go again and this time I really listened, and I have been learning to let go.  I realise that in trying to control every aspect of my life, I was taking away my own freedom.

Learning to let go has also been a spiritual journey for me, it has allowed for me to experience the Grace of God in such a powerful lifechanging way. I have experienced a new level of surrendering and embracing what God’s purpose is for my life in the earth.  I realise that there is so much more He requires of me, so much more He has purposed for me and I just have to let go and let God do the work in and through me.  What a liberating feeling that is.  I am not there yet, but I am on an amazing path experiencing an amazing journey in Christ Jesus.  In letting go of my stuff, it allows me to be vulnerable and there is no shame in that. It is not a sign of weakness, but it shows my humanity.

I gained freedom in letting go and I found my identity, in letting go I am finding out more of my purpose, in letting go I am finding my deliverance,  in letting go I am finding God…

Grief is an emotion that will encompass our lives continuously, it will vary considering the circumstances but what matters is how we manage it. 

I have found several ways that helps me to give way to my varying grief scenarios.

1.     Writing/journaling I write what I feel sometimes, and I can share what I write and sometimes it is just for self-therapy.

2.     Singing and listening to music, songs that uplift and tells a story that I can identify with, songs that allows me to worship God while going through the process.

3.     Reading inspirational writings and better yet scriptures and meditating on it.  Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path Ps 119:11 has been so true and relevant to me recently.  When I am low in spirit a scripture comes to mind and I would read and meditate on it and it brings me comfort and clarity; I gives me directions and instructs me accordingly.

4.     Prayer, it is the key _ I have found prayer – talking with God - so vital in my process.  My prayer has become more and more intimate conversations with Him, and I know He is listening because I can feel his presence even when I have no audible words.  Because His Spirit is within me, He knows my heart and understand when I have no words to say (Rom. 8:14-16)

5.     Talking to someone sharing what I feel has helped.  This was a big one for me also, I am good at keeping things bottled up suppressing it until it reaches boiling point. But I have been learning to be open about a lot of things and letting go gives way to being completely honest and transparent with oneself and others.

6.    Tears – in allowing myself to cry it helps to release the pent-up pain, unresolved hurts, and disappointments, alleviates the sorrow that comes with the grief.  (this is still a work in progress for me though) because sometimes I feel once I start to cry the tears will not stop flowing, but they eventually do until another time.  The tears that I cry kind of brings relief and allows the joy to flow from my soul. It feels cleansing and refreshing and it seems to make the weight a little lighter.  I believe that the psychology of humanity affirms that tears is beneficial to a person’s emotional wellbeing and dealing with life’s traumatic experiences. I read recently that “crying is a natural response humans have to a range of emotions, including sadness, grief, joy and frustration; and that emotional tears contains a higher level of stress hormones than other types of tears.”  _{Online Article excerpt from Medical News Today}

But beyond the psychological aspect of it scripture records a time in David’s life when in despair he found comfort in knowing that God did not disregard his tears – Psalms 56:8 NLT You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. My tears are important to God, He understands every tear drop.    

Letting go to Life’s Seasons

When God created this earth He also designed the seasons, Spring a time of  birthing, newness, and planting; Summer, a time for growth and development while we enjoy what Spring has brought to us it also allows time for the seeds planted in the Spring to grow; Autumn/Fall, when the harvest comes what was planted has now come to maturity, and we reap the joys and fruits that Spring has promised, it also signifies the end of the crops with hopes to plant again so, the crops are harvested and everything changes and becomes lifeless until… Winter  comes and compacts the ground again (in some places snow and ice) which keeps the ground wet and nourished until the new season of Spring comes again and the cycle continues.  What am I saying? there are seasons in our lives and we have to learn to identify with each of  them; Spring lets go to Summer- Summer lets go to Autumn and Autumn lets go to Winter and so on to keep the cycle of life going.  It is the same in our lives, but we tend to want to hold on to what was because of fear, ignorance or whatever not realising we cannot enjoy what is next until we move away from what was.  God can breathe life into anything, any situation because He is life but there are some things He has to remove from our lives and remove us from so that His purpose can be fulfilled in and through us.  In some instance that was my realisation, that I was holding on to some dead stuff in my life which was keeping me from moving into my purpose. Not until I relinquished my hold on those things am I able to experience the fullness of His presence and will in my life.  Letting go is not an easy thing to do, it is a process, but you have to begin from some place and that is what I did.  I made a step, and you know what I am not alone, when I let go, I know that God has still got me.

So, where do I go from here, I keep moving forward, I keep trusting God, I keep leaning into Him because His love and grace sustains me, and I am not alone. I realise that when I let go, I experience the joy of being carried and hidden in God’s secret place, and I am content.

 

Prayer 

 Sovereign God, Faithful Father, thank You

Thou art my hiding place and my shield; I hope in thy word. Ps 119:114 Amen

 

Let it go my friends

Much love Mauricia