"I praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:
marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." Psalms 139:14
Self-worth
You are treading in dangerous territory when you're thin king that
your life does not matter and the world would be better off without you.
This type of thinking invites the darkness closer and keeps the light at bay.
The realisation is that the light of hope was and is always there, but when
fear and lack of self-esteem and hurt and all the negative stuff begin to
invade your mentality - hopelessness creeps in and you opt for the less painful
and easier route to end it all of that negative emotion.
While it is good to ask the question of, "Who am I?",
take care to direct it to the right, the true source. You're having a
difficult time identifying you, but take heart God know who you are and is
always waiting ready to rescue you. Why do we always wait until we
are desperate to reach out, to call out for help? because in our humanity, we
believe we control our destiny we are fooled into believing that we don't need
anyone else's help; that my friend is a lie from the pit of hell, originated by
the enemy of our soul- Satan.
Self-worth
is defined by dictionary as the ‘sense
of one's own value or worth as a person.’ It is our self- worth that makes up
our self- esteem. It is our inner beliefs about our worthiness as individuals
that influence our daily life choices, our opinions and our personality. Some
of the biggest factors that can influence a person’s self-worth is an awareness
of their strengths and weaknesses and personal life experiences. We base our ‘worthiness’ on
sometimes unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves as well as the
expectations placed upon us by others. Many times, the people emotionally
closest to us have the greatest impact on our self-esteem. We internalise, as
children, the feedback we receive from those we want to please. Whether this
feedback is negative or positive, it helps to form a belief in our minds of our
own self-worth. When we learn that we can choose to accept or reject the
impressions placed upon us by external factors (other’s opinions, expectations
and ideas), only then will we begin to see our own worth.
Becoming aware of
your strengths, your capabilities and using them will allow you to build your
self- worth. Recognising that we cannot control the expectations of others, but
trusting that God loves us no matter what, is apart of shaping our inner
beliefs. Knowing what God’s word says about you and believing in HIS love for
you is essential to establishing a strong sense of WHO YOU ARE!
Know who you are and Whose you are
"...Darkness and
light are alike to You. For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my
mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully
made;"
It is so very important
to know who you are to be able to survive in today's society. It is
important to teach our children to be self-confident and aware of themselves
enough to understand that when someone thinks a way about them, treats them
unfairly, or says something negatively about them it does not define who they
are. It is important to teach them that the only opinion that matters is
God's and their own. This is not achieved overnight but it is a
continuous process of affirmation, encouragement, love and some honest to
goodness hugs. First and fore-most teach them that God loves them
unconditionally. They can't earn nor achieve God's love, it is a gift to them no matter
what. Also, reassure them of your love for them.
Whether you’re
struggling with depression or not, self-worth is an issue with many of us.
What I personally realised is
that I had to stop trying to figure out how I can be enough but focus on the
fact that God is enough or rather more than enough for me; all of my plights,
and dramas, and inconsistencies, and worries, issues with self-esteem
etc.; if I were to make a decided effort to rely on Him to work in
and through me then I had nothing to worry about. “I
can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13
Self -Sabotage
From the age of 8 years old until in my twenties I was as thin as a rail (the first version of this said, 'big as a rail') I mentioned that to bring a point across about how bad my self-image was. I always felt ugly and fat and unlovable, I never expected anything good and wonderful for myself, getting married was far-fetched, so I thought, and that was how I lived my life. I would close myself off from possible friendships, schoolgirl crushes and I wouldn’t dare to dream or hope to one day find a meaningful relationship and get married and have a family and live happily ever after. 😊😊 Well of course I eventually found love with a man who loved me for me and treated me like I was a queen.
When you’re in that cycle of self-hate as I was, all you could see looking back at you is a fat and unworthy human being. I saw someone who was lost and hurting. My family was always forcing me to eat, I remember spending hours at the dinner table after everyone had eaten and left, with the demand to stay put until my plate was clean. Over the years, I got creative and figured out a way to set my food on the plate to make it seem as if I had eaten most of it. I was afraid to eat because I did not want to get fat. As a young adult I ate a lot of junk food but knew how to get rid of it before it would settle. Gross right? In my thinking, it was working - it really wasn't I was naturally skinny I realised later but, I was starving myself, hurting myself. On my best days I felt awkward and there were times when I even tried to harm myself because I hated myself.
When you’re in that cycle of self-hate as I was, all you could see looking back at you is a fat and unworthy human being. I saw someone who was lost and hurting. My family was always forcing me to eat, I remember spending hours at the dinner table after everyone had eaten and left, with the demand to stay put until my plate was clean. Over the years, I got creative and figured out a way to set my food on the plate to make it seem as if I had eaten most of it. I was afraid to eat because I did not want to get fat. As a young adult I ate a lot of junk food but knew how to get rid of it before it would settle. Gross right? In my thinking, it was working - it really wasn't I was naturally skinny I realised later but, I was starving myself, hurting myself. On my best days I felt awkward and there were times when I even tried to harm myself because I hated myself.
Why this Madness?
The greater part of my self-worth vulnerability stemmed from a cruel act that no one should ever have to suffer. As a young girl I was sexually molested and then again as a young adult I was sexually harassed and molested. Wow! Am I really putting this out there? As we go through life, we look at individuals and make assumptions about who they are and pass judgement on how they live their lives or on their decisions most times cruelly and less times with a little grace. I learned a long time ago to never judge a book by its cover, to consider the reasoning behind a person's actions. I know all too well that what we experience in our lives dictates how we live it. I kept this secret from my family through my adolescent and teenage years and only revealed the truth first to my husband and then to my mom and eventually my children and siblings. I believe that once I shared this truth with them, they came to a level of understanding the 'why' and 'what' parts of my temperament. My children I hope then understood why I tried to protect them the way that I did, and how they were raised; and that my siblings understood that I really wasn't crazy 😅 just hurting, and that my mom got a ‘better understanding’ of what had affected the child and teenager I was, being raised and loved together with her other six children. At times I know it seemed what she did was never enough or right for me. My husband lovingly embraced me and still loved me unconditionally with all my scars and baggage. My healing had begun.
Healing
When I revealed my ugly secret, there was no judgement just love and understanding. I think I eventually told my mom on a separate occasion who the perpetrators were eventually, initially that was not my objective, but for me it was time to let it go for my own survival. I realised that it didn't change how they loved me but what did change was how I viewed myself from their perspective. I always felt I wasn't good enough and was always trying to prove it somehow. I felt I was always being judged then I came to realise that the judgement was always mine that I projected to anyone who may have tried to get close to me. As the weight of this secret began to lighten, and I allowed the Holy Spirit to His work I began to see myself as God saw me and sees me now. I got my smile back and I walked a bit taller I began to believe that I was worth the effort of being loved. Miracle of all miracles, I began the process of really loving myself (not faking it) and the healing was evident in my interactions and my confidence level and my relationship with God and my family. I accepted that He loved me, I was unique and gifted and called by Him; I have purpose and I intended to live that purpose out step by step, day by day, with the realisation that I was not alone and I would never be. It is one thing to say you believe in God and receive salvation and another to truly accept what He offers us: unconditional love, forgiveness, life and peace and joy and HOPE.
My healing to knowing and understanding my worth as an individual was quite a journey, my process was hard work and a daily commitment to God and myself. Earlier in my marriage I did struggle a bit learning to navigate having a constant companion who was supportive, consistently expressing love and admiration. When our children came along the focus of love and acceptance expanded because it was my responsibility to give them what I craved as a child, they would know that they are loved and cherished every day. I champion my husband and children in all their efforts intentionally.
Affirmation goes a long way in maintaining a child's well-being emotionally and mentally. Even though as a child, I did not receive this particular attention verbally, I was eventually able to voice how I felt to my family and now I can honestly say that there is now a better understanding of how I tick, and that's okay. I have the support and love of my family who are also my greatest cheerleaders.
The Journey Continues
My struggle with self-worth, has been a journey process of learning to love myself to see what God sees in me. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God knows my name, my character, He knows my inward parts, He values me, He created me in His own image and calls me His own. He understands my nuances and eccentricities that sets me apart from anyone else, He values me because He gave His only begotten son to come and rescue me from sin and death, and He gives me eternal life and He made a promise to me that He would never leave me alone and that He has gone back to His father to prepare a place for me, and He also intercedes for me to His father, so I am a priority to Him and that feeds my self-worth, and that’s enough for me. I believe what God says of me!
Had I not come to a place of loving me and become comfortable and happy in my own skin inclusive of all my flaws, I would have not been able to receive the affirmations I so desperately craved as a child. If God can love me unconditionally with all my quirks, and hang ups and imperfections, why can't I love myself, I am worth it. We can find a fault with some part of our body that we would change if we could, but hey it is our flaws that help to make us unique, one of a kind. The reality check is, you are who you are if there is something you can change, then do it. I am reminded that God's grace and mercy extended allows me to become better every day, the phrase today is to be a better version of yourself - but I stand to differ, not a better version which signifies it's not the real me; but I try to be a better me, try to be a better you by the grace of God.
I have been applying to my life an advice I have had to reiterate to my son on several occasions, is that we exhaust ourselves trying to perfect every aspect of our lives, instead we should try to live and perform with excellence and perfection is the end result or the reward. When Christ lives within us the spirit of excellence is present it just must be motivated and nurtured. Our intent should always be to serve God with excellence, serve our fellowmen with excellence and continue to press forward; perfection is attainable, but through Jesus Christ. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let us love therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you; however, let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained.” Phil 3:14-16.
It is a daily effort on my part to survive and thrive beyond my fears, seeing and acknowledging my self-worth and living in the light of God's love for me. I was shackled by Fear and the lack of self-worth, I am now delivered and of course the enemy returns again and again to deter me, but I don't carry the weight of it any longer - Jesus is my deliverer.
Here are a few of my favourite things to keep me on track
- Remember to love yourself everyday
- Focus on scriptures that reminds you of who you are to God.
- It’s a process, forgive yourself and
- Extend yourself some grace, (my big sister taught me how to do that)
- Ever so often treat yourself to something special that pleases you
- Try not to take yourself so seriously (I'm still working on this one)
- Laughter is good
Prayer
Abba Father, thank you
for loving us unconditionally; thank you for the light of Your salvation that
shines in and through us as your children, thank You for joy and peace. Thank You for the healing You've begun in us, we trust Your word which reminds us that You will bring to completion the work You've begun in each of us for Your glory and our wholeness. Help us to always be aware of Your presence around us reminding us that we
belong to you. In Jesus name Amen!
Who Am I
Love and Blessings
Mauricia
Who Am I
Love and Blessings
Mauricia
